As a parent we all expect that we will die first. There is never any question in our minds that one or both of the adults will be gone before any of our children. That is the natural way of things.
The loss of a child is outside the normal expectations of any parent. It is not something we even consider as a possibility. That is why the grief is so much more intense. We can not find a way to wrap our minds around the loss and make any kind of sense out of it. It just shouldn’t be.
We as parents have a very strong connection to our children. All through their lives we experience every hurt right along with them. From their first scraped knee to every heart break we feel it almost as deeply as they do. We spend their entire lives trying to protect them from all of the pain and hurt in life. Losing that child makes a parent wonder what they did wrong. Why weren’t they able to stop this from happening? They blame themselves. It was their job to protect their child and they couldn’t do it.
Parents who have lost children feel the grief and devastating loss much longer than someone who is grieving for an adult. Although the logical side of the brain tells them that they have to move on with their lives they can find themselves just going through the motions of life. Not really living. They are torn between truly moving on and the need to keep their child’s memory alive.
The grieving process seems to take longer when you lose a child. You feel the loss much deeper and it will take longer to get to a place where you feel as if you can function again. Unfortunately, there is no way around it. There is no fast fix for what you are going through.
The time line for grief is different for every person. Some may be able to go back to work in a relatively short period of time while others may never completely get back to their every day life as it used to be. Do not try to measure your grief by someone else’s. You are not a weak person because you are taking longer than they did. You are not an unfeeling person because you were able to get on with your life more quickly than someone else.
When you lose a child the support and strength of others is essential. Don’t be afraid to use it. You need to know that you are not alone in your grief. Take the time you need and don’t force yourself into things you aren’t ready for.
